Wouldn't you know it?

I have, what amounts to, blogger-block. Plenty of things have happened since my last post, but I still can't think of anything really useful to say. I've started a number of posts on various topics ranging from the the police f*ck-up at the May Day immigration rally to the retaliatory politics happening at my roomie's job, but at this moment in time, none of it seems worth writing. So instead, I'm going to recycle some random musings originally posted to livejournal before I discovered that Blogger's interface is much nicer. Mind you, though, a few of these will seem dated.

Military Intelligence

I wonder at the quality and intelligence of the people in our military. I know military intelligence has always been an oxymoronic phrase, but a good number of military personnel don't seem to know that their military APO/FPO address is a U.S. address. APO/FPO addresses are still U.S. addresses whether a person is deployed to Iraq, Germany, Guam, or Timbuktu. Then come to think of it, a percentage of these same people don't even seem to know how to work that new-fangled Internet thing. At the very least, I would think that TMPTB (the military powers that be) would tell their people about the address thing. Even if they don't, wouldn't it seem reasonable to expect the personnel to at least have a basic understanding that the government is going to get their mail to them via this address and that just because they are deployed overseas, they still qualify as a U.S. resident. Afterall, we trust these people with guns, explosives, and heavy machinery. Oh wait, I just remembered that the military is kind of like organized religion (or a cult). We don't want them to think...just give up their lives and follow orders. Thinking might be dangerous to the organization.

Stupid Human Tricks

Most of these are collected through work, but a few are from other sources.

I work for an Internet shoe company. We don't sell anything else, not even shoe cleaning products. Here are a few of the weird, usually dumb things that I've heard.

"Do you sell shoes?"

Thoughts: Priceless.. our name has the word 'sneaker' in it and yet I seem to get this question roughly every 3 months or so.

"Why did you give me my money back? I didn't authorize that!"

Thoughts: They're bitching about being given money. Slightly mystifying really. I've never bitched about being given money. I've always wanted to say to these people "Okay, would you rather we keep your money and send you absolutely nothing?" We really don't need your authorization to provide a refund. You'd bitch if we kept the money so I'd rather hear you bitch about being given money.

"Why was my shoe sold out?

"How can a shoe sell out?"

I lumped these together because they are essentially the same question. I always thought the answer to this was pretty self-explanatory so I'm always at a loss for how to answer this one. In the past I've tried a couple of different answers. What I'd like to say is "You wanted the shoes, right? What makes you think that no one else would?" But the answer that seems to work best is explaining that our website is open 24/7 worldwide and we receive orders all the time. The number of orders can very quickly exceed the quantity we have in our inventory.

"Why can't I get anyone to answer my phone call?"

Inevitably, these are the people who are calling at some ungodly hour and leaving angry messages or emails because there isn't anyone to answer their question. I have to wonder what they are doing awake and what makes them think that the company's staff doesn't have to eat, sleep, and spend time with their families.

Why does it take so long [24-48] hours to process my order?

24 hours is damn quick if you ask me. For some reason, people equate having a website that's open all the time to mean that the office and warehouse is staffed 24/7. Last time I checked, I still need to eat, sleep, shower, etc. None of which I can do at the office..nor would I want to. Maybe they think that everything is done by robots?

"I don't see my size listed. Why?"

Yet another question that could be answered by using common sense. If the size isn't listed, it means we didn't get it or it's sold out. Either way, not listed=not available.

"What does 'out of stock' mean? Does that mean you don't have anymore?

No one should ever have to hear this question.. I can't believe anyone (at least anyone who has English/American as their primary language) is dumb enough to ask this question and yet, I hear it and variations of it on a regular basis. My first reaction is always "Duh".

How do I order shoes?

Help me.. please help me. It's a website. There are large, RED buttons that say "Add to your shopping cart" and a giant logo at the top of the screen with the customer service number. This is one time you are allowed to push the Big Red Button. So obvious.... I actually think the question they meant to ask was "What forms of payment do you accept?" which is not a stupid question at all.

I want to buy __________ [insert brand name] shoes. Where can I get them?"

Well, we might sell them, but if not, I'm pretty sure that the manufacturer/brand does. Usually this question comes after we tell a customer that we don't have the shoes they are looking for. Now, if it was me, then my first reaction would be to contact the brand directly whether it was Nike or Adidas..whatever. As the manufacturer, they probably know better than anyone where they products are going and hey, most of them actually sell the shoes through their websites. I thought this was common sense, but maybe it's not.

*I know that stores like Payless accept returns on used shoes (although I don't understand why), but this company can only accept returns of "new and completely unworn" (as stated in the return policy) shoes. A customer called today asking why we rejected their return and was informed that the shoes showed signs of wear and damage. And I quote, "Well, I wore them a couple of times." Either he didn't read or he didn't think the rules applied to him. The policy even says to try the shoes on a carpeted surface and do not take them outside. Idiot.

* Another question that no one should ever have to hear or answer because the words being used are pretty self-explanatory. "What does 'In processing' means?" Direct quote, by the way. How much more simple can you get. You want us to say "We're working on it"?

* Our website has an archive of all the different items we've sold for like the last 6 months to a year. It's a new thing, but useful for anyone interested in the shoe industry. On the archive pages in red is the following "This shoe is not for sale. This shoe is sold out and out of production. Sneakerhead.com provides this listing for research and entertainment purposes only" with a big blue button that says "back to the shopping pages" Pretty obvious, huh? And yet on a daily basis we receive calls from people who want to buy the shoe or want to complain that our website is broken because it won't let them choose the size. This is another "Duh"

*Another one that puzzles (and worries) me. People who put www. in front of their email address. Ex. www.myemailaddress@emailprovider.com This sort of behavior concerns me because it seems to indicate that the person doing it doesn't know how to use the Internet. You know what they say.. A little knowledge is dangerous. They obviously know how to get on the internet and place an order, but have no clue about email. The only other option I can think of is that this is their attempt to keep spammers from sending junk mail to them. Oddly enough, these are also the customers who complain because they don't get their confirmation email and tracking number. Gee, I wonder why?

* "Can I use my debit card?" I'm a little puzzled by the fact that people don't seem to realize that their debit card functions almost exactly like a credit card because they all have a Visa or Mastercard logo on them.

* "May I order ________ shoes?" Ummm.. well, we're a business that sells shoes.. generally businesses want to make money so yes, we will sell them to you. Or maybe not.. depending on what mood I'm in that day. If I'm feeling snarky, sometimes I feel like saying to one of these (super polite) customers "Yes, but only if you ___________[insert some ridiculous request like stand on your head and bark like a dog]" Better an overly polite customer than the ones described below

*Not really stupid, just ridiculous and highly irritating. Customers who freak out and call me names, use profanity, and in general verbally harrass and threaten me with legal action because I didn't give them the answer they wanted to hear. This usually refers people who want some very limited edition models that are out of stock and I'm not able to tell them who has these shoes.

Now, the sort of weird, stupid things I've observed.

* A semi-truck was making a left turn onto a somewhat busy street as I drove by. I noticed the truck driver was driving one-handed with a cell phone plastered to his ear with the other hand. It's bad enough that people driving cars do this, but a left turn in a semi-truck? I'd would think the driver would know better or at least there would be some sort of company policy against this. Dangerous and stupid.

* Individual driving a car in heavy traffic. Phone stuck to the ear with one hand and some sort of food in the other hand. I still can't quite figure out how this person was keeping the car on the road.

*Another case of "Look, Mom, no hands" Youngish guy in a Honda on a busy street. Cell phone in one hand and the other hand stuck through the moonroof waving around. He did this multiple times. Literally a case of "Look, no hands" The moron was doing this on purpose and laughing about it to his brain-dead buddy on the phone.

*Big guy, little bitty dog. This one is always funny especially with oversized leash. Nuff said.

*The vice president shot someone while quail hunting. I may not like attorneys but I really doubt that any of them look like birds. How do you mistake a human for a bird???

I guess that's enough for today. I think I'm going to put my head on my desk now and go back to sleep. Five hours a night for the last four nights just isn't enough to support real brain function.